Honestly, I don’t know where to start, so I am going to start writing.
I don’t want to run and I don’t want to stay but one thing I can’t seem to avoid is how to share the real life in present tense. Not yesterdays experience or tomorrows hopes. Just now.
So many conversations have happened in the past weeks and another wrapped up just moments ago. I am in the USA and yearning to come home in more ways than one. But it has had me wondering what it means to fully engage with another. Listening has proved easier and responding to what is being heard goes far beyond any agenda or expectation. It has me in awe of the power of presence and how we truly can respond to it. Most of the time I wonder what could be possible in this conversation. What is possible to see that may not have thought of or seen before? What do we get to witness? How does the Spirit go into some of the hardest spaces of our souls and tenderly touch the tragedies that can haunt us and breathe new life into.
And then there is the other. The conversations that ride the waves of questions towards me, without agenda and steeped in kindness. It’s in these moments that I can’t find the words to answer with and I attach myself to dramatic prose of inaccurate wording, or even worse, silence. I end up questioning the authenticity of my own soul space and I conclude in the pit of shame and unworthiness. oh wow, I said it, my soul said it, on a page, with words and punctuation. This is not easy at all. I am one who speaks life to many things around around me and yet to myself things remain untethered and sometimes, more often than not, unkind.
The problem is that as many as there are truths, are as many as there are untruths. In feelings and perceptions and what is your truth anyways?
So that’s just where I am right now. I saw the attached picture on a social media post and I guess it sums up the game and its time to take some risks. Cause it is painful and I have done some damage to people that I love and my brokenness is painful and my sin is real. And well, when you think you love pretty well you are faced with a whole other bunch of emotions and questions. They mix with the truths and untruths. I am not always going to love well. I am not always going to speak with pure motive or without agenda. By the grace of God, as a new creation, I am here though and I truly don’t want to keep on running.
Truth conversations are brave. The restrictions on my perception of truth are painful. I delight in the possibility that I might just blossom.